In between watching serious films like Sophie’s Choice, The English Patient and umm Ken Burns: The Civil War, I consume an outrageous amount of utter trash. Or no, wait: I just watch trash and The English Patient was horrible and boring.
So, whatever: I AM TRASHY and I enjoy trashy cinema. Please enjoy this undeniably watchable Top 5 list.
“Well then, Peggy, could you tell the bitch at the front register to do her goddamn job?”
This is probably the worst movie on this list. As in: it’s not well-known and it’s not generally considered bad enough to be funny. But the acting is mediocre at best, the cinematography is cheesy and the dialogue is horrible…which leads to some genuinely hilarious and wonderful moments. My personal favorite is when an obviously stuffed owl crashes through a window and falls spread spread-eagled (spread-owled?) on the floor of the insanely beautiful “abandoned” factory that the craziest character in the entire movie “bought for a dollar” from his local government.
Kim, my favorite character, is a goth psychic who “just liked the [original] movie.” Erica is a beautiful, spirited Wiccan with a chip on her shoulder about identity politics. Stephen and Tristen are a loving couple writing a book about the Blair Witch and expecting a baby. And Jeff, crazy-ass Jeff, is the local who runs an online Blair Witch merch shop and leads them all into the woods for a self-styled (and obviously doomed) Blair Witch Hunt. The factory belongs to him. Please. That’s a multi-million dollar residence.
Anyway, while spending the night in the ruins of the house in which the original movie climaxed (remember? The crying in the corner of the basement?), madness sets in and five members of a rival tour group somehow end up dead. But who did it? And why? And what are these weird, witchy marks covering everyone’s bodies?
Y’all, this movie is horrible and ridiculous. But it’s so fun to watch.
Drinking game: take a drink every time someone screams something for no discernible reason. Take a shot every time there’s unnecessary nudity (hint: it’s all unnecessary. You will be drunk).
4. Center Stage
“Whatever you feel, just dance it.”
There is one reason this movie is so good and so bad: they cast actual ballet dancers in most of the roles. Beautiful athletes who are talented and graceful in motion. Actual dancers who are wretched, atrocious actors.
The only thing more captivating than the smorgasbord of male dancer butt is the wooden, stilted way the actors deliver their lines. My favorite (least favorite) performance, though, belongs to Susan May Pratt (Maureen Cummings, the star dancer of the American Ballet Company). She whisper-screams almost every line and picks at cheese pizza with a delicate, bulimic finger. According to her mother, she “just watches her weight and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Every single story line in this movie falls flat. But still: the whole movie is gold. And the ballet at the end is genuinely fun to watch!
Drinking game: take a drink for every gorgeous butt shot. Take a shot every time Zoe Saldana (!) does something rebellious. Chug your drink while Jody pirouettes forever at the end of the movie.
“Why oh why are my genetics such a bitch?”
I don’t even know where to start with this one. What’s the most special? Paris Hilton as the drug-addled capitalist princess with an addiction to plastic surgery? Shilo Wallace’s pathetic, wispy solos about her blood disease? Anthony Stewart Head (Giles from Buffy) as the eponymous Repo Man who pulls rented organs from the bodies of still living debtors?
This movie is a beautiful disaster. You’ll find yourself singing about incest and murder for a whole week after.
Drinking Game: take a drink any time someone mentions a hideously disgusting sexual act. Take a drink anytime someone who can’t sing…sings. Take a shot every time someone dies!
2. Troll 2
“Oh my gaaaaaaawd!”
There are more things wrong (and therefore right) with this movie to count. Love milk? So does one of the characters in this movie. Love working out with tiny weights in a giant weight lifting belt? Check. See dead grandparents in your mirror? Pee on dinner to save your parents from being turned into vegetables? Have horrible teeth or worse makeup? Draw on your freckles? This movie is. For. You!
By the way, did you know that Nilbog is goblin backwards? Not that this movie is about goblins, of course. Or, well, maybe it is about goblins and it’s just called Troll 2. There’s a documentary about the making of this train wreck called Best Worst Movie that’s both really good and also surprisingly sad. Check them both out!
Drinking game: take a drink every time your favorite of the six or so goblins is on-screen. Take a drink every time you want to strangle the incredibly annoying little boy protagonist. Take a shot anytime a character is turned into a plant or odd green space slime.
1. The Room
“I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.”
It’s probably not a surprise to find this movie in the #1 spot. I mean, what other masterpiece could possibly claim the title? But Morgan stopped by earlier this week and told me something that was an actual surprise: there’s a comedy coming out later this year about the tumultuous and difficult birth of The Room. James Franco will be playing Tommy Wiseau. It’s called The Disaster Artist and it’ll be out this December!
I’m assuming most of you have seen this movie already. If you haven’t, watch it immediately. Immediately! It’ll teaaaar you apaaaart (Lisa)!
There are almost unlimited drinking games associated with this movie. But I do recommend playing with beer or wine. Otherwise, you’ll end up in the hospital. Here are some of my favorites:
- Take a sip whenever Johnny laughs at nothing.
- Take another when he says “huh”.
- When a blatantly unnecessary scene draws to a close, drink.
- When a sex scene draws to a close, down your drink.
- Whenever a character says “Oh hi, (character name)”, drink.
- Take a sip whenever Denny says something slightly creepy (“I just like to watch you guys!”)
- Take a big gulp on the most famous line in the movie, “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
- Take a drink whenever stock footage plays.
And do NOT call me from the hospital! I’ll be out in the alleyway, casually playing football with my best friends.